And the day goes on...

If you haven't read the beginning of this story, you may want to scroll down and start from the previous post. Or you may not have that much time!

***For the record, I'd like to preface this post by saying I'm not sharing for the sake of pity, nor do I want any meals delivered to my door. I'm sharing because the other option was simply to sweep this under the rug. I've gone that route before and it just leaves you wanting to yell at people. There is validation in sharing, so after careful consideration I've decided sharing here avoids people having to respond, because really, it's a hard thing to do! For those of you I talked to today and did not mention this, I love you, but it was easier to just not mention it! Traci...thank you for picking Dax up for me today, you didn't even know how you were helping!***


Remember my mentions of hormonal oddities...yes, I know, too much info. Well, I was sure last week's meltdown was due completely to that frequent friend who stops in for a visit. But she did not make her appearance. Although I thought this is was odd I kept waiting. By Friday I was starting to wonder. I have not been late since I found out I was pregnant with Finn. The weekend came with a vengeance and I just swept things out of my mind. By yesterday I decided things were definitely suspicious, but I'd give it one more day before going out and investing in a dollar store potty stick (if you read the last one, you know I already left my last $1.87 for the waitress at Steak & Shake

I even sat down with my journal yesterday morning to organize my thoughts. I always dreamed of having four children. From the time I can remember 4 was that number for me. So, there was a twinge of excitement. At the same time, have you met my boys? You read about how they are real boys in the last entry, right? They keep life hopping. Maybe I was thinking another year or two. But as I've said for a long time, I've never had any control over my fertility, God has always been totally in command there, I have learned to accept that.

So, what did I journal? I started writing. What came out was how I would be joyful to have another baby if and when He decided it was time for us, but that I would give anything to see my Brother and Sister in law have that joy in their lives. That if there was someway I could give that joy to them before it came my way again that would be so much better. I don't know if you've ever wanted a baby and struggled with that before. If you haven't, count your blessings. I think that is the hardest, saddest place to be. There is a desire there that is so primal, and even when you try not to let it rule your life, it does. I've been there. I'm so grateful, grateful doesn't even begin to encompass all that I am, that God chose to give us Lily, after 4 1/2 years of marriage, one miscarriage, and all my life dreaming of a perfect little girl. Then how overwhelmingly joyful I am that he decided to bless us with those two incredible boys after 7 years, fertility treatment, 2 miscarriages, and 1 heartbreaking ectopic pregnancy. He chose to make our family full of life. Sometimes almost overflowing! I want that for my brother and sister in law. Another baby would be an incredible blessing, but I want that for them first. But even I know that I am not in control and my timing is simple and human and by no means do I really know anything about the big picture. So I told Him, you know, the Big Guy, that if there was a baby coming, and there was some way he could send that little one to Ohio before I was too attached to the idea of number four in Illinois, that would be ok with me. And then I went on with my day.

When I pulled into the driveway from picking Lily up, a strange feeling came over me. As I started to climb out of the van I doubled over. I could barely stand up. I've felt this before. October 1995, February 2001, and August 2003. There was no doubt in my mind. I came in the house and I knew.

Funny thing is, this time my first thought wasn't one of complete sadness, of loss. It was one of simply knowing that God's timing is perfect. He has blessed us over and over again. He knows the why and the when. I can't help be slightly hopeful that maybe they'll be good news from Ohio. I know...that may be sound silly, but I can be hopeful, right?

October 15th Angie at Bring the Rain posted this in honor of the the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death. She asked anyone who had experienced this loss to please post, share, and pray. She had over 2000 comments. I was floored at just how much this post touched me. I guess because of how grateful I am for the children I do have running amok in this house, the sadness of the losses has taken a backseat. It's not something I think about on a daily basis, or even a weekly basis. It comes to mind on certain dates, or when I hear of someone else's loss. I know through all my losses God taught me lessons. Everyone of those little ones had a purpose and Angie giving us place to validate their existence, speak their names, truly touched me. So for that reason, simply validating that for a few weeks there was a little life building, I'm sharing. I feel even more blessed because I know you are listening.

A Warm Family Weekend! Not exactly....

The last few days have been....hmmm....well, not what we planned.


We have travelled, had extended company or very sick children every weekend in this beautiful October. Travel and company are wonderful, but we haven't had just a Saturday to spend together as a family in this beautiful fall weather. We were planning to take this past Saturday and spend it at the pumpkin patch. October is almost over, we still have no pumpkins. I promised this year we'd do pumpkins. Megan was going to meet us up there for a few beautiful sun going down type pictures and then we'd finish up with a little dinner out. It didn't exactly happen that way...


Finn woke up at 3 am struggling to breathe. Out came our friend the nebulizer. He made it till 8 am before needing another, but by 10:30 am he needed another. I tried calling his doctor. Have you ever tried to do this on a Saturday?? 5 phone conversations and an hour and half later I finally was allowed to speak to her. She gave us her recommendations and suggested we go ahead and take him to prompt care so they could do a pulse ox and listen to him. Prompt care was a 2 hour wait. We waited. They listened. 90%. That earns you a trip to the ER!


Let me share with you our beautiful Pumpkin Patch pictures...

My boy, he can charm him some interns and nurses with his amazing party tricks!

Pneumonia! Yea!!

We watched the sun set through our window, it was beautiful!

Sunday I met Megan at the wrong time of day in the middle of an infamous Illinois plain windstorm. Lets just say, the pictures, not so pretty!

Monday came, it started out pleasant enough. Then there were many many phone calls to get Finn in for a recheck. This ended with a high speed race to the "big" city down the road to see our old doctor at her new office. I was flustered. Mike (after two weeks of nagging) still hadn't changed the car seat configuration which left me climbing all over the van to put kids in and out..so of course I was grumbling. I even called him at work at that point and told him he needed to find me directions for how to get to the office and thanked him for moving the seats for me....I'm sure that conversation was the highlight of his day.

Boys looked good. a little loud and crazy, but healthier than I'd hoped. Finn even got the all clear to spend short bits of time outside and rejoin his friends in a day or two. The down side, they were starving. Lets just say if I was taking part in this week's Not me Monday I would totally not have said My 18 month old surely was not so hungry that he found a french fry buried somewhere in the depths of her car seat and munched on it! But I'm not participating, so I'm not saying that. So I thought why not take my little pneumonia clad dude and his loud big brother to Steak and Shake on the river...a joy I tell you. You stick a 5 star restaurant right next to a river where you can watch barges pass and it just makes it worthy of a write up in some sort of diner's club magazine.

**Let me preface this with the disclosure that I was not originally going to share this story. I was pretty humiliated, but for the sake of truth and the fact that the dude at Steak & Shake deserves his props, I will share**

I ordered our lunch. I fished crayons out of Finn's mouth. I chatted with older patrons at a neighboring table about how, oh yes, my boys are true boys"(A nice way of saying crayon eating, loud talking, booth climbing heathens, I'm sure), I discussed water, boats, boats and bridges with Dax, and then just a minute or two before our order came, I answered a phone call from my husband. He was calling to check on the boys. I gave him the report, explained how they were so hungry and tired and I knew they'd never make it home awake, so we had stopped, and continued talking. He then says, "where are you?" I told him. He sort of went quiet, then asked how much my lunch cost. I thought this was a bizarre question and responded with a quick estimate and a "why?". He then proceeds to tell me there is $16 left in the account to which my debit card is tied. We don't carry credit cards. I usually like to have a little cash but yesterday my cash amounted to $1.87. I was unhappy, but was sure my lunch would be under that, so I just prayed and hoped my nice waitress would understand the crappy tip.

Then, Dax fell head first out of the booth. I'm not exactly sure how this happened. He was sitting there, across from me, eating. I guess maybe he was too close to the edge and just lost his balance. However it happened, he landed on his head, and he cried, and cried. He just wanted to go home. I asked for a box and the check, still praying about that whole mess...

The check came, $15.98. Wow, that's close. I went to the register. I sat my boys and all their paraphernalia down on the bench and handed my bill to the nice guy who was running the grill and the register at the same time...talent I say. Well, guess Mike was rounding up with the $16, cause my debit card...yeah, it didn't work. My boys by this time were checking out the candy machines and begging for quarters. I wracked my brain for a solution. But other than making my husband drive here from work and take care of this, I couldn't come up with one. I felt like a mouse as I apologized profusely, looked at the guy and said, "I'm not sure what to do, my debit card is all I have with me..."

Do you know what this guy said? He smiled and said, "well then, I guess this one will just have to be on me, have a good day."

Did you hear that? Reread that again. Sometimes God answers prayers, but he chooses a way not quite as direct as you would like. This guy's voice, echoes of grace....right there. The Steak and Shake guy that let Jesus shine through him. So next time you're tempted to go to one of the other much nicer eating establishments within a mile radius of this location, maybe you should think about dropping in to the grand riverfront Steak & Shake.

Now, I wouldn't want you to think I left with a smile on my face and happy little boys in tow. I left biting my lip trying not to break down in tears. I scooped up one little boy who proceeded to spill chocolate milk down the front of both of us and then grabbed the other by the hood and stumbled out the door. I got them both in van, climbed in the driver's seat and broke down. Not a little ugly cry either, full on sobbing. I think there were just so many emotions I couldn't quite contain them all. Remember that kitchen meltdown last week and how I tried to toss it on hormones? Lets just say those were very much still in play...more on that later...Mike chose this exact moment to call and check in. I'm not sure if he could understand anything I said, but I'm sure it was the second highlight of his day. Dax then started singing a song about being happy and not sad. He asked if that made me feel better. I cried some more, but I laughed a little too, how could I not?

By the time we made it home both boys were sound to sleep. Praise the Lord! I carried each one and laid them in their bed. I spent the next hour and a half doing almost nothing, and I'm not overly ashamed to say that.

Next thing I know it was 3:45 both boys were still asleep and Lily needed to be picked up from choir practice. Finn was starting to stir, so I put on his shoes, wrapped him in a blanket and carried him to the van. I came back for Dax who was still out cold, I wrapped him up, tossed him over my shoulder, grabbed the extra car seat sitting on my porch (long story, see mention above) put the booster in with one hand, flung Dax in with the other, pulled the seat belt over him and slammed the door. By now we were a good 10 minutes late. I backed out of the driveway, quickly. I put my foot on the brake, went to change from reverse to drive when I heard and felt that always familiar crunch. Apparently I pulled out so fast that the lady in the driveway across the street didn't notice me coming and backed right into me. The upside is that she is actually a neighbor from down the street I'd never met who was very kind. The bad news...

I'm not sure how this plays out with the insurance. She hadn't started backing out when I pulled out, but she didn't see me pull out. I had seen her pull in the driveway, but didn't see her backing out until her bumper was in full contact with the right side of my van. No one was hurt, we jumped out, did the insurance switch and had a pleasant conversation. I then went and picked up Lily, only twenty minutes late. She was waiting with her boyfriend (Dear God, help me!) and a handful of other kids who's parents were also neglectful.

Wow, this is almost a novel at this point. Have I given you too much info yet? If you've made it this far, glad you didn't have anything better to do. There is more, no really, there is (I heard you groaning.) The next segment is in someways hard to write, I need to decide how much sharing I'd like to do. For now though, I should go. My fingers and your eyes need a rest