Praises, Pictures, & Conversation with Dax

A beautiful day! After turning on the air conditioner and the heater in the same 24 hour period I was grateful for beautiful warm sun without and no cold wind. It was perfect for playing outside and no fake air had to be turned on in the house. I love days with open windows!

Rain in the night and sun at all the right times!

A beautiful place to have a party!

Great little ladies who put on the party for you and all the mama has to do is take pictures...somewhere in the neighborhood of 150, maybe someone should have put me to work!

Smiling, happy children!

Only missing a couple of friends. Dax said the best thing about his birthday was his friends being there.

3rd birthdays.. I think they are my very favorite! It's the first one they really take part in planning, choosing friends, the first one they will remember. They are still little enough that they are simply giddy but old enough that they know it's for them and enjoy the day. Three year olds, in all of their terror, are some of my favorite people.

Enjoying the grown ups that tagged along, and the big girls too. (I think even they liked feeding the pig, goats, lambs, ducks, etc.....)

People who invite my daughter to spend the night and don't seem to mind. I guess because I'm just entering the big kid world I'm not used to lots of extras in the house yet. Although the attitude she brought home with her she could have checked at the door!

Building train tracks with two three year olds. This would have been more fun if a certain very cute one year old did not enjoy playing Mister Distructo so much!

10 year old attitude. I'm guessing this is prep work for later. I'm also guessing that this makes you enjoy who they are when they grow out of knowing everything!

3 year old attitude, it's all guts, no glory and it almost makes me giggle after dealing with the older version.

1 year old attitude. Yeah, it's monkey see, monkey do here. This one just makes me roll my eyes, he doesn't even have a chance! Although he has managed to pick up a high pitched shriek to get his point across. Anyone with the antidote to this, please email!!

Friends who drop off little goodies for your kids. Finn woke up with a couple of new outside goodies today, he was so excited!

Weeping, that therapeutic, makes you feel things in the depths of your soul kind of weeping.

The mysterious way God weaves our lives into a beautiful tapestry. How he leads you to just the right place at just the right time. He is pretty amazing.



Dax, in all his excitement chose his own outfit for today, can you tell?
"Mom, I need my rodeo shirt and my rain boots. Where is my monkey sun hat?"
He was styling! But I must say, it was a farm park, hence the Rodeo shirt (they gave him a cowboy hat). It had stormed all night long so there were puddles and some pretty muddy grass so the mud boots were handy. It was also very sunny, so the sun hat was also quite useful. Overall, I give the boy 4 stars for style & preparedness!
Feeding lambs with Dad,

Sitting on the nice lady's lap helping her do a puppet show for his friends. Let just say this would not have happened when Lily was three.

Looking o so enamored when his friend, Emi, took a little sampling of the icing.
Checking out his cake for damage as the ladies urged him to stick his finger in it...

You can tell he was thinking about it, check out the tongue! In the end he only would take off a plastic animal and lick it's feet. He's not really all about the sticky hands. Although, the next morning while we were all in bed he got the rest of it off the kitchen counter and shared it with the dog. He proudly told us "I put my finger in it!" Timing, son, timing.

Sometimes he looks so much bigger than three, like his mind sometimes goes so far ahead of his little body, then at other moments he's shooting his brother in the head with a shake and go (foam) airplane and yelling "it's fun!"
Tonight I shared a conversation with my now newly three year old little man that went mostly like this....

It was bedtime. We are working on getting both boys to go down together in one room at the same time. I have been sitting between them and singing to them for the past few nights. (not that I would ever want to hear my singing on youtube!) Whatever little God songs come into my head. (yes girls, even "This is the Day" he actually sings the round!) Dax is picking up the words pretty quickly and sometimes he jumps in and out of songs with me. Tonight Lily was having a full on mega meltdown with her daddy in the kitchen, Dax told me this scared him and made him sad. I said, "me too!" So, we closed the door and I felt a bit sad that it always seems to be an arguement, but I wanted their bedtime to be peaceful. I started to sing "Surely the Presence"


As I sang, he began to join in and raised his hands up as if in praise. I asked him after the song was over why it was that he did that and although I'm not exactly sure how that question segwayed into the following coversation, somehow, it did,

Dax "Is Sasha real?" (Sasha is our dog who passed away in August)

Mom "Yes, Dax, Sasha is real"

D "Is my Papa real?" (Papa is my dad, who we lost in March)

M "Yes, Dax, Papa is real"

D "Where are they?"

M "They are in Heaven with God"

D "God scares me"

M "Why does God scare you?"

D "Cause he does, he can't live in the church, it isn't fair"

M "God shouldn't scare you, he is there to take care of you. He loves you because he made you special, very special. He made you, he put you in Mommy's tummy, he gave you to me and to Daddy. He chose Lily to be your sister and Finn to be your brother. He keeps you safe Every night I ask God to watch over you and Lily and Finn."

D "Where is he?"

M (starting to sweat a bit) "He's all around us, his house is in heaven with Jesus. Remember Lily's Big Big House song? That is about God's house in heaven."

D "Is God real?"

M"Yes Dax, God is real"

D "Is Jesus real?"

M "Yes, Jesus is real too"

D "Is my Sasha real?"

Yes

D "Is my Papa real?"

Yes

D "are they together?"

I don't know, but I think so

D "Sing me the Jesus songs"

I sang Jesus Loves me and Jesus loves the little children

D "what do those songs mean?"

Wow, they mean that Jesus loves you and he loves all the children no matter who they are

D "is Jesus real?"

Yes, Dax, he is real

D "I can't see him"

Sometimes things are real that we can't see. We just feel them. Do you feel that part inside you that makes you, Dax? That is called your Spirit, and it is always real.

D "Can I sit on your lap?"

Yes

D "Sing me the Jesus songs"

I sing them again

D "Am I real?"

Yes, you are real

D "Is my Nana real? Carly? Uncle Ryan? Jessy? Who else?"

Yes, they are all real.

D "Can you come back from heaven?"

No

D"You can come back from Ohio"

Yes, Heaven is very different from Ohio (to put it mildly!)

D "Is my Sasha a doggy?"

Yes

D "Am I pretend?"

No, but Geotrax guys and little people are

D "yeah and my geotrax"

Yep

D "Is God real?"

Yes and he has big plans for you. You've always told Mommy you were going to do God's work. He has work for you, little man, big work.

He was quiet for a minute and just rubbed Gigi and looked out the window and at the ceiling. I thought maybe he was satisfied.

D "and Jesus? And my Papa? And Sasha? and my dog Sophie?"

Yes, all of them are real, just like we are real. Are you ready to go to bed?

D "Sing me the Jesus songs again, just the Jesus ones."

I do, then I finally kissed him and walked away, wondering about his conversation.

As I left his room I couldn't help but thinking, didn't he just turn three?

Where God leads...

No, I'm not posting, I know, I promised I'd be back and I'm still working on the pictures. I have a million praises and I'm sure you're all waiting on baited breath to hear them!

Ok, I have shared with you, I think twice, about Angie Smith's blog. I know you who haven't visited are going, "Oh boy, Not again!" But I feel like knocking people over the head and dragging them there, and that is not my usual way. I feel like I need to get you there. I have never read a blog that has made me react and feel the way hers does. She has a way of sharing her journey that is obviously not from her. So, I yet again link you to her and a specific post I think should be read and shared(click here for my loved ones not so blog savvy). After you read this one, if you feel moved to read more, so be it, if not it's ok, I won't make you go back!

I'll be back, really I will!

Quick Birthday Post

Today was supposed to be filled with Thunderstorms, but alas, it was not and the party went on without a hitch. Everyone seemed to have fun! We laughed on the way home that there were more dads there than moms, I can't imagine that 30ish years ago for either of our third birthdays! I tossed some pictures into a random slide show(I learned a new trick!). They are in no order and I couldn't get most of my favs up because they are vertical and this thing was not working on anything that was not horizontal. So, I'll be back later, hope you're all having a great weekend!

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Praises...

Great Friends (yeah, I know I throw this one out there a lot, but it seems I'm grateful for this often!)

Sunny Days of playing outside. (today was not one! Yesterday, however, was very nice)

Three smiling children, sometimes I forget to say thank you but I am truly, truly blessed to have these little people in my life

The "I love you" phase. Dax told me so many times yesterday that he loved me and followed it with hugs. There is not much better than that.

Being in this period in my life. When I think back to 11 or 12 years ago or 5 or 6 years ago, I remember those feelings of longing, of wondering, of sadness and disappointment. I am so grateful to know what I know now, to have learned those lessons, but I'm sure glad I'm on this side of it!

It seems I've really felt this ache for those around me in the real world and in the land of blog who have lost a child or are waiting for a child. I am grateful that God has given me that heart, and grateful that one day you will know all that God has in store for you!

A husband who will take care of the kids barricaded in our bedroom so I can have grown up time with friends in my own house.

A little shopping trip where things were actually purchased for my three favorite munchkins.

Tossing all rules aside every now and then and being lousy, yet fun parents, taking our kids to Chuck E Cheese at 8:45 pm. I did pray no one we knew would see us loading them back in the van at 10:30 when they are usually in bed at 8.

Above mentioned fun zone not being crowded allowing Mom & Dad some enjoyment too.

Happy, sleeping children, think they'll sleep in??

Late night praises and the freedom to share them with whomever I wish!

Sadness after Praises...

After working on my own praises, I did a very small amount of blog hopping and landed at Journey to Hannah Claire where I found the latest blog post just took me totally off guard, kind of like a kick in the gut. Sometimes there are moments where you just feel sadness and praises seems so far out of reach. I'm guessing is where the Chapman family is right now. The song Cinderella has played a real role in my own grief lately and their adoption stories played a huge part in our, once upon a time, decision to find our second child in China. My heart breaks for them and my prayers are going up for their family tonight.

Praises...

Babies who are feeling better, sleeping later, and giggling more than they have in weeks!

Picnic lunches with hundreds of kids, even if my own would rather be at recess.

A husband who will drive home from work a few towns over for a school picnic even with gas prices topping $700(ok $4.00, close enough)

Little boy hugs that come with pats on the back

Brunching with good friends

Spending my evening in deep discussion with jr. high girls

Watching their minds work and their souls search and knowing they have the right stuff brewing in those minds. I love their questioning.

Stopping at Kmart for a brief moment and finding myself in the middle of a musical interlude. I only pray that the video surveillance did not catch the little dance moves I could not control upon hearing this treasured piece of '80's music nostalgia. I hate to admit, I knew every word and could even remember the video!



Coming home to an almost quiet house.

Mom being able to converse with me without spilling the beans since I had to tape the finale of American Idol.

Yes you know my guy won, so how could I possibly not add this to my praises! He's been my favorite since the beginning. I was a pleased puppy this evening!

100 Posts! 1st Tag....

So, I'm still learning about this blogging thing. 100 posts ago this was simply a praise journal, now it seems to be more, but I still want to make sure I don't lose track of why I started! So, when I haven't praised for a bit, shout at me. Stomp your feet a bit. On that note I will start with praises....

A 10 year old that came home from school in a good mood (a rarity lately!)

A 3 year old that woke us up this morning with this quote, "Dad! Dad! I poooopppped!" My husband in a slightly terrified voice, remembering that Dax went to bed in underpants without rubber pants replied, "where?" Dax yells, "In the potty!! Come and see it!" "Can I have a sucker now!!" Sure, why not, every three year old needs a sucker at 6 am!

Finn's speckles are fading! He seems to be feeling a little better today.

Spending phone time catching up!

Visiting new blogs, it's almost like meeting new friends!

And of course, American Idol. Although there is always a little let down when we get to this point in the season. It's like you want to get here, but you're not quite ready to be at the end! If you haven't followed my blogging you may not know that I am a big David Cook fan. So 4 reasons David Cook should be the next American Idol...

1 He is incredibly better looking (extremely shallow, yes, I have my moments, but wouldn't it be weird if I was attracted to a 17 year old?)
2 He is an individual, he's not playing to crowd, he's doing what he feels is right for him
3 He can take anything and make it his own
4 I would actually listen to the album he released

Now on to this Tag thing. I have never done one of these but Traci at the Sullivan Sitcom seems to think my time has come. So, so I don't disappoint my 12 readers, I'll play along!

4 things I was doing 10 years ago (1998)

• Mike and I had been married 3 1/2 years & were living in our Ohio hometown
• We spent every Friday & Sunday night at my parents house laughing, talking, playing games, watching movies, and the top 20 GAC country countdown ( I didn't say it was a life of glamour!)
• I was a new stay at home mom to a beautiful almost one month old baby girl
• I spent my days in awe of her amazing beauty and intellect carefully coordinating all of her outfits and accessories

4 Things I was doing 5 years ago (2003)

• Finishing my school year at a cooperative preschool
• working toward my preschool certification
• dwelling on how Lily was now five and I still hadn't had a successful 2nd pregnancy
• still spending my Fridays & Sundays with my family just like five years before, same house, same husband!

4 (or 5) Things I did Yesterday (Monday)

• Woke up at 5am to a screaming baby and a 3 year old bouncing around talking at high volume
• Took Finn to two different doctors appointments, one planned, one not
• Learned what a rash from a penicillin allergy looks like and that my darling little Finn will never be on penicillin again
• Said goodbye to my mom and sister in law as they made their journey back to Ohio after spending a long weekend with us.
• Spent sometime being grateful that I had time with my family (and a little sad that they were leaving) and that my kids are overall healthy, beautiful little blessings from God!

4 Shows I like to Watch

• American Idol
• Grey's Anatomy (maybe it's more the company than the show!)
• Lost
• One Tree Hill (yeah, I know I'm too old)

4 Things I love to do

• take pictures
• snuggle with my whole family in my bed on a lazy Saturday morning
• spend Thursday nights with friends
• Go to the movies with my husband, my mom, my Lily, or my friends, whoever is ready and willing

There! I have completed my first tag! Because my pool of readers is limited to those without blogs and those who have already done this I will refrain from tagging anyone else. If you have a blog and you haven't already done this, go for it! You'll be my forward!

Something to say good night with....

A sampling of the studio versions of songs David Cook has done on American Idol. I was slightly bummed that I could not find the studio version of "Hello" but this I'm sure will be more than many of you can handle! Ok, I'm going to vote, again.


Mariah Carey

Andrew Lloyd Weber

Neil Diamond

Dolly Parton

The Beatles

Michael Jackson

Aerosmith

Duran Duran

For Your Information....

These are some answers to recently asked questions and some stuff I'm just throwing at you in case you might be interested!

The ability to turn my blog into a book is honestly the only reason I started blogging. With three kids the thought of doing journals, scrap books, and photo albums for each of them was overwhelming, then I found this site and I thought, blog, I can blog! I hope to print a book each year. I think that will really give the kids a good glimpse into our lives one day!


This book has been wonderful! If you're like me, one of those in the middle parents who want to make the best choices but don't want to be over the top, you just want to understand as much as you can and know all your options, this is a great book! I thought it was easy to read. I did it in a weekend before Finn's 1 year well baby visit. I knew I didn't want to vaccinate on the regular schedule. I knew I had questions, but I didn't know where to get the info to make the best decisions. I tried googling, oh Lord, don't get me started on the terror that can envelope a mom googling anything medical! There is also a website that ties in with the book. There you'll find continued updates on the research being done. No matter where you stand on the whole vaccine thing, or even if you're saying, what vaccine thing? I think this is well worth reading!

Seems I've found myself in many discussions lately about BPA free baby bottles and sippy cups. The question I've had lately is what am I gonna do with all my Avent bottles? For me, whether it was over protective or not, I chucked all my Avents into a box and started using Evenflo glass bottles (the only three I could find in the store!) back in November when I first read the stories about "bad plastics". What is funny is that I have friends who are still using the bottles, and I have friends having panic attacks about what harm they might have done to their children when they didn't know any different. The way I look at it, I'll do the best I can do to make the right choices at the time. If you are interested in cheat sheets for "safe" bottles and sippys here is a mama who has put together a site with that info.

I've mentioned in the past my slight baby name fetish. If you have one too you probably know who Pamela Redmond Satran and Linda Rosenkrantz are, if you don't have a fetish, you may not actually care! They are my favorite baby name book authors. They have written many books and update them every several years. For serious naming issues or just for fun, these make for a good read. If you have any favorites that I might not know about, tell me!

If you're looking for a good read, here are a couple of blogs that I think are worth your time. These are not funny, at least that is not their goal It's not where I go when I want a good laugh, I'm going to add those soon! If you haven't been following the story or the Lawrensons over at Confessions of a CF Husband their story and pictures are quite a treat! I recently stumbled upon Angie Smith and her family at Bring the Rain. I feel richly blessed to have found her site. she is extremely well written and so grateful for what God has given her. She is using something we all fear, the loss of a child, to show God's grace through the tears.

Hope you found something interesting! If not, maybe I'll try again another day!

Praises...

My mom. Yesterday was her birthday. What a gift God gave our family and the world when he created her. I feel so blessed to have her in my life and the lives of my children.

Mom and Carly being here to help me through a crazy morning.

Doctors who you can trust to care for your most precious little people.

Sunshine. It's dreary cold May days that make us appreciate the warmth of the sunshine.

Safe travels.

Everyone being in bed by 8:30!

One three year old I know being binky free for 4 whole days!

Praises...

Friends from far away

Friends close by

Encouraging words

People who don't think you're crazy when you reveal how your mind works

Birthday boys who think you are something special. Remember the whole "turn off the sun" stage we went through? Now we've moved on, he is asking me to "stop the wind". I think it's amazing how little kids see their parents, like super heros with no capes!

Little boys who search a room of moms and smile when they see you and say "you are my mom!" followed by a hug...I hope he always looks at me like that! Today he told me I was his favorite 3 year old so I told him he was my favorite Mommy, he found that very funny.

Medical professionals that you connect with seems you realize how important they are when they are no longer accessible!

Sick babies who can still giggle when they are hurting

Babies who still try to pick up chicks when they are sick in the doctor's office

Safe journeys

Having mom and Carly here

Sunny days when rain is predicted

A husband who does the shopping=)

My family and every moment I have with them

This is for Nicole...

Over at Life in Progress, my real world friend, Nicole wrote about her encounter with friendly neighborhood squirrel. I can't help that all I could think about was this song that my dad used to play for us, so I'm sharing, please forgive me!

Dax is 3!!

Lily was our gift, Dax it seems was our miracle baby. They are 7 years apart. Between them we lost three babies, two miscarriages, and one ectopic pregnancy. We had moved a long way from home and were settling into our new world. We started getting information on international adoption. We of course, fell in love with the Steven Curtis Chapman packet (it had music and pictures!) and started filling out paperwork. We frequented precious.org and I often tried to explain to Lily why they could not just box up a pair of twin girls and express mail them to our front door. We decided China was where our next child would come from. Then one day Lily said, "Mom, I've been thinking about this adoption thing, and I've decided I'd really like one of the home made kind instead." I laughed! I told her we tried that route and it didn't seem to be very successful for us so maybe God had other plans for our family. She said she would pray about it. I told her to go right ahead. One month later, I was pregnant with Dax.

I had been pregnant before but now I was in a new place without the OB/Gyn that I loved and without my mom. Wow, God, this wasn't exactly the way I thought this should play out! I was terrified. Thanks to some girls I'd met who have become some of my very best friends I found a doctor quickly. Each day I got more and more sick, throwing up at every turn. Taking Lily to and from school was about the extent of my energy some days. Well, that and watching back to back episodes of Dawson's Creek. Going into a store with any sort of food made me sick, so Mike started doing all the shopping. Driving past restaurants made me sick so I tried to avoid it at all costs. I never felt like that with Lily or any of the other pregnancies. I think it was God's way of reassuring me everyday that he was still there, I was still pregnant. This lovely reminder lasted about 24 weeks. Then, I guess I started to relax and realize that this one was the miracle, this one just might make it!

Make it, he did! He was supposed to be born May 14, 2005. That would have been my grandfather's birthday. He was going to be named after my grandfather, it would be perfect. Yeah, we don't do perfect well! Induction started at 7 am and he decided to make his appearance at 1:17 am on the 15th after the c-section threat had been made. They handed him to me, I checked him out, then handed him back and threw up everywhere. It was by far the most fun labor and delivery I've experienced! But he was here, and we were so, so blessed.

I dreamt about him before he was born. I dreamt he was running around the room knocking over rocking chairs. I knew he'd be a mover. I think God knew he had to mentally prepare me for that! He had jaundice. It completely broke my heart when they kept sticking him and then locked him in the box. He is claustrophobic. I guess I don't know if he was then or that had something to do with it, but now there is nothing worse you can do than cage him. He always hated playpens. The nurses had to pad the sides of the incubator because at one day old he could crawl/wiggle/scoot himself off the edge of the platform and they were afraid he'd get his head caught. I heard them whispering about him they said something about that one being extremely active for a newborn. See, God gave me a little glimpse in ahead of time, he knew I liked to be mentally prepared!

7 pounds 9 ounces, 20 inches, the bluest blue eyes, and a full head of dark auburn hair, he was beautiful. He was all boy. He needed a name!

We started with 132 choices, seriously. I have a slight, ok severe name issue. We would edit the list with a survivor type game every so often. We'd battle it out. We had scoring systems and weighted votes so Lily had a say too. By the time his baby shower rolled around we had it narrowed down to 10 and we let our friends and family vote, not that we actually took their advice! In the hospital we were down to three. Ty, Dax, and Hudson. I have a brother named Dosh. To me when I saw Dax I immediately thought of my overachieving, athletic, friendliest in his class, confident, happy go lucky, positive little brother. It sort of stuck with me, and grew on people. But, that night after he was born, none of the names fit. I grabbed the original list, yeah, the 132. Mike said "No way! It has to be one of those three!" So Dax was it, because we'd never met a Dax, so this must be what a Dax looks like. All my kids have 4 names. The first is their own, even if it's connected to someone or something and the middle two are after people. His is Dax Henry Bender longhardtospelllastname. Henry was after my grandfather, great grandfather, and uncle and Bender was after my grandmother's family.

So, there he was, baby Dax. It took me a month or so before I started to really put he and the name together. I kept worrying I'd made a mistake. Now I can't imagine and better name for him!
He is full of life, laughter, exploration, motion, amusement, discovery, and wonder. I love this little boy more than I ever thought one could love a little boy (I was planning on all girls!)

He makes me laugh daily. I can't even imagine life without him!

We are so blessed and God's timing is perfect.

If I was more computer savvy I would have put these into a slide show in the post. I haven't yet figured out how to do such a thing and I could have gone on for days with the pictures, so enjoy the show!

6 months

Our first Christmas

We put this picture on a deck of playing cards for Uncle Ryan

This picture is the day the praises truly, memorably began, Here is the dog licking up the splashed and the beautiful little boy would made me laugh, cry, and see the blessings in each moment.
1st birthday
Chicago for Dosh's Graduation from Boot Camp


18 months

2nd birthday

First day of big boy Sunday School with his buddy, Max
2 1/2

He saw this picture and said "wow, I was handsome!" Think his confidence is ok?

Christmas 2007
3rd Birthday on his new climber

And of course a birthday post wouldn't be right without music! Dax has songs. The first one was his before he was ever born, when I knew he was a boy I started singing this one...

I know this one is a love song, but for me I just cried when I heard this version. I'd heard the song a million times, but I a week or two out of delivery and I just felt like the broken road did lead me straight here. Without all the heartbreak I couldn't have known this joy. Honestly it still makes me a bit misty thinking about those other little starts that broke my heart and pointed me to his little arms.


And finally, when I first heard this one I cried like a baby, the same way I did with I Hope You Dance for Lily.

The 10 days I was Missing

I thought about doing a 10 of Marci too, but I think I'll sort of sprinkle them in. If I tossed them at you all at once they might make your head hurt! You would probably just think I was a bit loony, or you'd simply be bored by my ramblings. So tonight, I bring you the first of My own 10 things you missed...

Sunday, April 20th I was blog hopping. Shocked, aren't you? Up in the corner of a random blog I noticed this link to a writing contest at an online Christian Magazine. I was oddly drawn to it. I clicked, I couldn't help myself. When I reached their sight I read the rules of the contest called "Her Life Reflected". The editor was looking for essays of 1000 words or less telling how your mother or a mother you know reflected Christ's love in their lives. The deadline for this contest was midnight Monday April 21st. The winner would be posted at the magazine on Mother's Day and would receive and small prize package. I thought, hmm, I have a mom I could write about, but there is no way I could do it that fast. It sat with me, in a strange, unsettling way.

The next morning was my mom's first day back to work. She was really on my mind as I was in the shower getting ready for an early appointment that day. I prayed and then somehow I just couldn't seem to stop the flood of words that were running down as fast as the water from the shower head. I finished showering, dried off and grabbed my journal. The sun was bright, Dax was playing happily in the back and Finn was still sleeping. I laid down on my bed, put the pen to the paper and the words just flowed. I knew mom would be about ready to start her school day and I think these words at my fingertips were, in a way, a prayer for her.

When Mike came home from work, I handed him the typed version of my essay and asked him to proof it. He was a bit surprised. You see, once upon a time I fancied myself a writer. I even thought that one day I would be known for the children's books I penned. Or maybe I would finally stop worrying about my mom reading me write about grown up topics and write those novels that had been swimming in my head for years. I have characters in my head. They used to run so rampant that I thought they'd just jump out one day. My Dad used to give me all kinds of grief about the paper I was wasting writing down all those names. I didn't know how to tell him that those names were of the characters that were roaming in my imagination. Maybe better I didn't, because I'm sure he might have thought I'd lost it, which may be what you're thinking right now! Ok, moving on! So, even though you probably can't tell by the amazing linguistic prose of my blogging, the point of this paragraph is that I once thought writing might be my life's passion. Mike was impressed I was actually going to submit something. He actually said he was proud of me. I was taken back by the fact that he felt that way.

At 11:00 pm I submitted my essay. But, it somehow managed to get held up in Outlook jail. I realized this a week ago after waiting patiently for my confirmation letter. In the end because Outlook sent it two weeks late I wrote an explanation letter to the girls at the magazine and let them know I by no means expected it to be considered for the contest. It was a computer glitch that kept it from getting in, but in all honesty I don't think the contest was my reason for writing. I think God was awakening something deep inside of me. He gave me the words to remind me how it felt to put that pen to the paper, maybe to help me release some of my thoughts and grief as well.

Tonight over at Christian Women Online the winner was announced and you may have guessed, it was not me. I am not even slightly upset about this. I read the winner's story, you can too http://www.christianwomenonline.net/HerLifeReflected.html. The story was nice, but the woman the story was about is the real story. After reading the winning essay I linked to her blog http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. What an amazing story, what beautiful faith. Take your tissues, you'll need them! It was a blessing to find her blog.

As for my essay, I thought it was fitting that I share it with you on Mother's Day. So, good or bad it seems it would be a shame if no one ever laid eyes on it.

Mom, I'm sorry if it's hard to read, know I love you and am so grateful for all you are.

With Simple Grace

Three weeks and two days ago my father died. He was all of 61 years old. He was a man of laughter, music, and impatience. My father had no greater love in this world than my mother. She awoke from the cot beside his hospital bed in the room that once upon a time, before this cancer had claimed it, had been theirs. The hospice nurse at her feet softly whispered to her that the end was close; he was only moments from his last breath. Moments she used to tell her husband she loved him and that God loved him. She kissed him one last time and then, just as she had promised, she held his hand and walked him to the gates of Heaven. She knew she couldn’t go any further, but many who loved him would be waiting to take his hand. .

This could be a story of any loving wife and her ill husband in their last earthly moments, but to understand, you must go back and then you must go forward. You must know that the 37 years my parents were married were not all easy ones. My father was not a Christian. He did not take hold of Jesus until those final weeks, after the Cancer took most of his ability to communicate clearly. My mom had been a faithful and devoted servant of Jesus all her life. There were times these differences caused their outlooks on life to be so far apart. Yet even in the hardest times, she stood beside him, loved him, prayed that God would hold him, and that Dad would know His love.

Three weeks and three days ago, I turned 34 years old. For 34 years my mom has been the hands & feet of Jesus in my world. She has stood beside me with quiet strength through skinned knees, broken hearts, the births of all three of my children, the death of her mother, and of my father. In each of these moments, with simple grace, she prayed. Each week she made the Sunday journey to church with my brothers and me in tow. We were encouraged to be active in youth group, always challenged to ask questions, think for ourselves, seek God, question God, and love God. Religion was never forced; faith was always a piece of our lives. She always walked the walk. I have never questioned who my mother is or where her beliefs lie. They are obvious, out there for the world to see, never pushed on anyone or spoken with a judgmental air. Because of the example she set, her children have been blessed with a heart that seeks, loves, and knows Him. We take her into the world with us everyday. Even from hundreds of miles away she is still showing us how to be the body of Christ. Each day she inspires us to make a joyful noise, to dance, to sing, and to laugh. At the end of each day, praise, pray, and simply be still and know that He is God.

She carried these lessons beyond just her children, beyond just our home. She was not a meeting go’er, she was not a committee member, and she was not a social activist, at least not on a large scale. She was and is a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a teacher. Each day she carries her faith, her joy, and her passion into a kindergarten classroom in a public school. And there, once again she is the face of Jesus, his hands, touching little hearts with His love. She does this not by lecturing or by teaching things not approved by the public schools, but by loving, by encouraging, by praying for each of those children, by praying not only for them, but for their homes and their families. She knows each of these children is a gift from God, entrusted to her care.

Since my father’s death my mom has laughed, my Dad would be proud of her for that. She has yelled at God to bring him back to her. She has wept and let God hold her against his chest. She has continued, without words, to teach us that life goes on. Through the sadness, there is laughter. Through grey skies, sunlight shines. Through the snow, spring returns and flowers bloom.

Today, somewhere many, many miles away from here, a gentle, graceful woman of God returns to a bright, vital kindergarten classroom for the first time since walking her husband and friend to the gates. She is a little nervous, a bit hesitant, and slightly overwhelmed, but her spirit is calm, she knows God is holding her. Grasping on to this knowledge, allowing herself to feel His arms surrounding her, she steps in and smiles, knowing somewhere deep within her, that this is the day the Lord has made.

Does two minutes count as a power nap?

Praises...

Great friends and Thursday night even if Comcast sucks! =)

The knowledge that one day toilet paper will just stay put and I will be able to go potty without guests and questions.

The ability to laugh at it and realize that when that day comes a little piece of me will miss it.

Knowing old friends are out there keeping an eye on us!

Being able to say a little prayer for those old friends and know God is holding them close.

Naptime!

A great camera with which to capture some of life's little memories

Knowing my baby brothers are out there in this world even though I don't talk to them nearly enough.

Dinnering with friends.

Meandering around pet stores just to visit.. It's kind of like a free mini zoo!

The fact that my kids still find that fun!

Having babies, even when they scream with a sound that could make milk curdle...sounds like I need to go rescue my husband!

I Should Not Have Stayed Up So Late Last Night...

A glimpse into my morning...

Notice the wet hair? Yeah, I wondered where it came from...


He's responsible, you know he is, just look at him giggling sucking on the newborn pink & purple binky he found under something...

When he said, "hey Mom, guess where my doggie phone is?" I thought I'd better get out of bed...

Hey Sarah, What's in your toilet today? Cause mine is sporting a darling doggie phone. (Yeah, that is where the wet hair came from...do I even want to know?)

So, they made up, they are innocently watching Jack's Big Music Show Or so I thought. Look at them, you know they are planning something....

Hey, guys, I kind of needed that! (Will there be a day I can go to the bathroom by myself? And if so, when it comes, will it just seem so terribly boring that I will invite others in?)

Guess they needed to amplify the volume and all the perfect good TP was in their way...

Yeah, this looks convincing, doesn't it?

This is him 3 seconds later when I set him in the chair beside me...

He climbed, he pushed buttons, he giggled...

He shut down my computer!

And here he is 3 seconds later when I set him on the floor...

Convincing, isn't he?
Here is the song we composed and danced around to that had him giggling 5 seconds later...

Stop you whining,

Stop your moaning,

Stop your griping,

Stop your groaning.

Suck it up Doodlebug,

Suck it up right now!

Doodelly Doot Doot

Doodelly Doot (Repeat)

Suck it up Doodlebug,

Suck it up right now!

(Repeat, add claps and Doodle Doots at will)

Will they need therapy? Will I? I'm going to take a power nap now, God only knows what the afternoon will bring!