Oh so grumbly...

No, not them, me.

I'm not sure if it's hormones stopping in for a visit or just the fact that I have not been as consistent in my God time lately, making me feel like I have too much to read and not enough time to process. Maybe it's the fact that I'm feeling my gifts are secondary and inadequate. Whatever it is, all I have done today is grumble.

I went to church this morning to help cook tonight's Wednesday meal at the church. Let me just straight out say, this is not my gift. I will continue to grumble here...as far as I'm concerned I'd be ok never setting foot in that big, gorgeous kitchen. It is a sight to see, but I'd rather not see it. I am not passionate about cooking. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that Mike is one heck of a grill chief we would probably starve. Ok, well, I wouldn't go that far. It's not that I can't cook, it's simply that I get no deep pleasure or satisfaction out of it. I don't get excited at the thought of a new recipe or the chance to whip something up for a party. The thought of a dinner party scares the heck out of me. But I regress, I went to help, because as a circle member it is my responsibility to help. I baked some brownies, I did a few dishes, and I grumbled.

What did I grumble about, you ask? It might be better to ask what I didn't grumble about. I grumbled (keep in mind, I'm omitting the ones I didn't not actually verbalize to others) about the kitchen, the electrical outlets, the dishwasher, the temperature of the hot water, the dishes...ok must take a legitimate grumble time out here. The dishes. If there is something I get less pleasure out of than cooking, it would be cleaning, so doing other people's dishes...far, far bottom of my "things I'd like to spend an hour doing". Our church, on a mission to go green, has decided paper plates are for wussies and have instead opted for the most cumbersome, heavy, glass dishes known to man. Breakable, people, very breakable. Now pile 42 lbs of these on one highly ornate flame & cross tray and watch someone try to carry it across a huge gym floor. You might cringe just like I do! I think I threw my back out last week carrying three sets of dishes on one tray back to the kitchen for washing. Washing..oh yes, washing dishes for more than 150 people. Joy! Don't you just see joy brimming forth from my spirit? Go green if you must, but for the love of God, maybe some biodegradable paper plates? Or if we have to do dishes, have you people heard of something like Corelle Ware, light, not overly breakable, can fit more than 6 in the dishwasher at once? Don't get me started on the dishwasher...one dishwasher and a restaurant grade fry daddy. Come on peeps, did we really need to fry daddy? Maybe a second dishwasher, maybe even one with a disposal.

Do you see that?? Do you feel the seething? What is wrong with me??

The worst part of it is that this kitchen is pure heaven for some of my closest friends. They love it, and not only do they love it but they think the clinking of glass dishes is beautiful. They have a passion here. They are the same amazing friends who prepared meals for my family when my dad was dying. They are amazing cooks. They find delight in the discovery of an interesting new recipe and they are the ones who will find out what everyone is bringing so that they don't double up, rather than just running to Walmart and showing up with the first thing that strikes their fancy. They have a gift that maybe I'm just a tad jealous of. Their ministry involves being able to whip up an amazing meal on the spur of the moment. They still go for the totally homemade birthday cakes and school treats. I don't for a minute resent them for these talents, I do however envy them a bit. To them, I grumbled, and believe me, they love them some stainless steel restaurant grade kitchen! And as much as it frustrates me that they can't see the flaws, it brings me joy that they find so much joy there.

So I continue to grumble...I feel like sometimes because my gifts did not come in the form of cooking, cleaning, and decorating that I am not an equal on the Mommy/Woman scale to these amazing ladies. I beat myself up that I just don't compare. The paranoia in my even starts in with why would they want to be my friend when all I'm doing is grumbling about the things they love. Their houses are beautiful. Their dinners amazing. I look around, I sigh...I wish I could afford a cleaning lady. Or maybe a decorator. Then I start thinking about my non gifts. I'm not organized, I'm not good at starting conversations with people I don't know, I can't sing(oh how I'd love to sing!), and after two years of lessons I can play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the piano.

My boys, they were loud and obnoxious when I picked them up from the nursery today. I'm sure, totally reading into what i was spewing into their environment. I started to cry on the way home, as all the grumbles and the guilt of the grumbling itself circled in my head. I got out of my van, let the monkeys out and sat down on my porch in the warm sun.

There was a bee. Thank God for bees. The fear of this little yellow and black buzzer caused Dax to need to be held tightly on my lap. I'm his mommy, I can take a bee. Hey, I can take a bee. God gave me this beautiful child, even in all his heathenism, and this kid, he doesn't care if I can whip up a baby meal. Honestly he doesn't care if the house is strung about with toys and dirty clothes. He just cares that I can take that bee and I can wrap my arms around him to protect him. It was like the clouds parted and all of the sudden I could feel the warmth of the sun felt on my face. My thoughts drifted to what an incredible October this has been, filled with warm blue skies. I thought about how I needed to go in the house and read my lessons for my small group of youth tonight. You know what, they don't care if I can whip up a gourmet meal, or if my house is clean either. They care that I love them and that I am passionate about who they are. They care that I'm passionate enough about them to grumble that the kitchen is much too big compared to their youth space. I thought about how I needed to refresh my mind on my Bible Study for tomorrow morning and how much joy I'm finding in leading this Bible Study, a place I never thought I'd find security, passion, or joy. I realized just how much I love doing it! My thoughts then drifted to how excited (and terrified) I was to take Megan, one of my babysitters, out last night and begin shooting her senior pictures. How I found this so invigorating! I smiled at the thought of her enthusiasm and than it donned on me that I should probably track down my guys.

They were playing on the swing set. I called them in and watched with tears in my eyes and smile in my heart as they walked hand in hand up the backyard into the house. I stepped over the shoes, toy trucks, and books as I walked to the kitchen to whip up some delicious peanut butter and honey sandwiches with a nutritious side of whole wheat goldfish crackers, then I left the peanut butter, honey, and the dirty knife sitting on the counter, stepped right back over the same shoes, trucks, books, and a few wooden choo choos, to my computer to share my feelings with you in hopes of receiving some good (free) bloggy therapy.

I am so grateful for my friends who find joy in their kitchens, so grateful for the times they've come to my rescue when my family desperately needed a meal when things were crazy. I am so grateful to those friends who find joy in decorating and making things look so beautiful, they have come to my rescue many times we we needed table decorations or places to host brunches. I am so grateful for those friends who find joy in singing and bring others joy by sharing that gift, I love sitting in church on Sunday morning and hearing their voices. I am so grateful for those friends who find joy in organization, they have saved me a million times over in so many little ways. As envious as I am of their gifts in some moments, as much as I feel that maybe mine simply don't measure up, I know that if we all found passion in the same places, this would be one boring place! God knows there are so many bases to cover that he's got to spread us around. I need to stop my grumbling and be grateful for the gifts he has given me, and I need to chose to use my time for much better things than complaining. (This doesn't mean I won't do it anymore, but know I do feel truly guilty about it! )

Bottom line is I am who I am. As much as I long to be really talented in other areas, only God can change those things in me. Oh, I can strive to be better, honestly, I could do lots of things better, but only God can create in you a love and passion for doing something. Only he gets to dole out the gifts, so why do we think we are so powerful?

Now, I'm gonna go change a dirty diaper, step over some little people and a diaper bag, remove the half eaten bowl of popcorn from the big comfy chair and snuggle up with my giggly, warm, littlest man until he falls asleep. Then I'm going to read my lesson for tonight maybe even play with Megan's pictures a bit. Later, I'm going to be doing a bit of apologizing.

Thanks for the therapy!