Oh so grumbly...

No, not them, me.

I'm not sure if it's hormones stopping in for a visit or just the fact that I have not been as consistent in my God time lately, making me feel like I have too much to read and not enough time to process. Maybe it's the fact that I'm feeling my gifts are secondary and inadequate. Whatever it is, all I have done today is grumble.

I went to church this morning to help cook tonight's Wednesday meal at the church. Let me just straight out say, this is not my gift. I will continue to grumble here...as far as I'm concerned I'd be ok never setting foot in that big, gorgeous kitchen. It is a sight to see, but I'd rather not see it. I am not passionate about cooking. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that Mike is one heck of a grill chief we would probably starve. Ok, well, I wouldn't go that far. It's not that I can't cook, it's simply that I get no deep pleasure or satisfaction out of it. I don't get excited at the thought of a new recipe or the chance to whip something up for a party. The thought of a dinner party scares the heck out of me. But I regress, I went to help, because as a circle member it is my responsibility to help. I baked some brownies, I did a few dishes, and I grumbled.

What did I grumble about, you ask? It might be better to ask what I didn't grumble about. I grumbled (keep in mind, I'm omitting the ones I didn't not actually verbalize to others) about the kitchen, the electrical outlets, the dishwasher, the temperature of the hot water, the dishes...ok must take a legitimate grumble time out here. The dishes. If there is something I get less pleasure out of than cooking, it would be cleaning, so doing other people's dishes...far, far bottom of my "things I'd like to spend an hour doing". Our church, on a mission to go green, has decided paper plates are for wussies and have instead opted for the most cumbersome, heavy, glass dishes known to man. Breakable, people, very breakable. Now pile 42 lbs of these on one highly ornate flame & cross tray and watch someone try to carry it across a huge gym floor. You might cringe just like I do! I think I threw my back out last week carrying three sets of dishes on one tray back to the kitchen for washing. Washing..oh yes, washing dishes for more than 150 people. Joy! Don't you just see joy brimming forth from my spirit? Go green if you must, but for the love of God, maybe some biodegradable paper plates? Or if we have to do dishes, have you people heard of something like Corelle Ware, light, not overly breakable, can fit more than 6 in the dishwasher at once? Don't get me started on the dishwasher...one dishwasher and a restaurant grade fry daddy. Come on peeps, did we really need to fry daddy? Maybe a second dishwasher, maybe even one with a disposal.

Do you see that?? Do you feel the seething? What is wrong with me??

The worst part of it is that this kitchen is pure heaven for some of my closest friends. They love it, and not only do they love it but they think the clinking of glass dishes is beautiful. They have a passion here. They are the same amazing friends who prepared meals for my family when my dad was dying. They are amazing cooks. They find delight in the discovery of an interesting new recipe and they are the ones who will find out what everyone is bringing so that they don't double up, rather than just running to Walmart and showing up with the first thing that strikes their fancy. They have a gift that maybe I'm just a tad jealous of. Their ministry involves being able to whip up an amazing meal on the spur of the moment. They still go for the totally homemade birthday cakes and school treats. I don't for a minute resent them for these talents, I do however envy them a bit. To them, I grumbled, and believe me, they love them some stainless steel restaurant grade kitchen! And as much as it frustrates me that they can't see the flaws, it brings me joy that they find so much joy there.

So I continue to grumble...I feel like sometimes because my gifts did not come in the form of cooking, cleaning, and decorating that I am not an equal on the Mommy/Woman scale to these amazing ladies. I beat myself up that I just don't compare. The paranoia in my even starts in with why would they want to be my friend when all I'm doing is grumbling about the things they love. Their houses are beautiful. Their dinners amazing. I look around, I sigh...I wish I could afford a cleaning lady. Or maybe a decorator. Then I start thinking about my non gifts. I'm not organized, I'm not good at starting conversations with people I don't know, I can't sing(oh how I'd love to sing!), and after two years of lessons I can play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the piano.

My boys, they were loud and obnoxious when I picked them up from the nursery today. I'm sure, totally reading into what i was spewing into their environment. I started to cry on the way home, as all the grumbles and the guilt of the grumbling itself circled in my head. I got out of my van, let the monkeys out and sat down on my porch in the warm sun.

There was a bee. Thank God for bees. The fear of this little yellow and black buzzer caused Dax to need to be held tightly on my lap. I'm his mommy, I can take a bee. Hey, I can take a bee. God gave me this beautiful child, even in all his heathenism, and this kid, he doesn't care if I can whip up a baby meal. Honestly he doesn't care if the house is strung about with toys and dirty clothes. He just cares that I can take that bee and I can wrap my arms around him to protect him. It was like the clouds parted and all of the sudden I could feel the warmth of the sun felt on my face. My thoughts drifted to what an incredible October this has been, filled with warm blue skies. I thought about how I needed to go in the house and read my lessons for my small group of youth tonight. You know what, they don't care if I can whip up a gourmet meal, or if my house is clean either. They care that I love them and that I am passionate about who they are. They care that I'm passionate enough about them to grumble that the kitchen is much too big compared to their youth space. I thought about how I needed to refresh my mind on my Bible Study for tomorrow morning and how much joy I'm finding in leading this Bible Study, a place I never thought I'd find security, passion, or joy. I realized just how much I love doing it! My thoughts then drifted to how excited (and terrified) I was to take Megan, one of my babysitters, out last night and begin shooting her senior pictures. How I found this so invigorating! I smiled at the thought of her enthusiasm and than it donned on me that I should probably track down my guys.

They were playing on the swing set. I called them in and watched with tears in my eyes and smile in my heart as they walked hand in hand up the backyard into the house. I stepped over the shoes, toy trucks, and books as I walked to the kitchen to whip up some delicious peanut butter and honey sandwiches with a nutritious side of whole wheat goldfish crackers, then I left the peanut butter, honey, and the dirty knife sitting on the counter, stepped right back over the same shoes, trucks, books, and a few wooden choo choos, to my computer to share my feelings with you in hopes of receiving some good (free) bloggy therapy.

I am so grateful for my friends who find joy in their kitchens, so grateful for the times they've come to my rescue when my family desperately needed a meal when things were crazy. I am so grateful to those friends who find joy in decorating and making things look so beautiful, they have come to my rescue many times we we needed table decorations or places to host brunches. I am so grateful for those friends who find joy in singing and bring others joy by sharing that gift, I love sitting in church on Sunday morning and hearing their voices. I am so grateful for those friends who find joy in organization, they have saved me a million times over in so many little ways. As envious as I am of their gifts in some moments, as much as I feel that maybe mine simply don't measure up, I know that if we all found passion in the same places, this would be one boring place! God knows there are so many bases to cover that he's got to spread us around. I need to stop my grumbling and be grateful for the gifts he has given me, and I need to chose to use my time for much better things than complaining. (This doesn't mean I won't do it anymore, but know I do feel truly guilty about it! )

Bottom line is I am who I am. As much as I long to be really talented in other areas, only God can change those things in me. Oh, I can strive to be better, honestly, I could do lots of things better, but only God can create in you a love and passion for doing something. Only he gets to dole out the gifts, so why do we think we are so powerful?

Now, I'm gonna go change a dirty diaper, step over some little people and a diaper bag, remove the half eaten bowl of popcorn from the big comfy chair and snuggle up with my giggly, warm, littlest man until he falls asleep. Then I'm going to read my lesson for tonight maybe even play with Megan's pictures a bit. Later, I'm going to be doing a bit of apologizing.

Thanks for the therapy!

Carrying the Flame...

Maybe this should concern me more...

Dax has send me on a hunt for this song. He has requested this about a dozen times in the past 24 hours.

He just heard it playing and ran from the other side of the house. He told me he heard that song and "it fricked me out!" **side note** fricked = freaked


btw thanks, Elena =) see if you get computer priveledges again next time you babysit!

Have I become That Mom?

You know, the totally uncool old lady who lectures her kids about inappropriate lyric content??

Oh please forgive me! I can't even chock it up to "music has changed since my day", cause really, that's a load of crap.

I should be thankful that we are blessed with a great current local Christian radio station that plays good stuff. I remember Christian radio when i was younger *gag* it sounded like something only grandmas listened to. You definitely could not dance to it. So, I'm totally grateful that 90% of the time my kids listen to music filled with positive stuff. 90% of the time my tween is totally content with "God Music" as Dax calls it ** side note** Dax tells me when he grows up he will be a drummer in a band that plays "God Music", the kid is good, you should hear him**

So why does Lily liking this song drive me so crazy??

Most of you know, either because you knew him or I've mentioned before that my dad was a DJ. He loved music, this was one of his best gifts to me and one place where we connected. I must admit though, there were many songs played long before I was a teenager that were probably inappropriate. This includes one such song that was discussed in jest as a possible father/daughter wedding dance song. Some of you know that story..it's still makes me laugh. My brothers and I were singing this one at a very young age. **Side note** hunting for that post took me totally off track for a bit meandering through old posts. I found this one and it made me stop, cry a wonder why it was so much easier to praise then. I need to get back on track!**

Ok, back to the point of this, it's getting long. I thought about my journey through the 80's & 90's. I found myself with a goofy grin when I thought about these lovelies...

exhibit A & B, worse yet C...ok I can't even find a link that won't get me in big trouble! Remember a little ditty called Discovery Channel?

Yeah, that third one, far far worse than anything Lily has ever even heard. Granted I wouldn't let her listen to it, but still it gave us a good giggle, didn't it?

On the way home from Ohio I was listening to some random 80's flashback channel and this one started playing. I immediately started dancing in my seat. About halfway through, I thought "crap, she's gonna start asking me questions, or laughing" and I changed the station.

So am I her?? That censoring mother? I never had one. My mom, pretty cool. Is it because she's 10? If she was 16 I'd probably roll my eyes and be done with it. The above mentioned tunes didn't scar me for life, I'm still here. My faith is pretty strong, I'm a pretty decent human being (I think). So why am I struggling with this one?

**side note, While youtubing for songs I came across these guys I totally love them! I spent a little time with them listening to this and this, there are more, many more...who knew you could do that with a ukulele!**

I haven't done a musical post for awhile, I'm kind of sad this is it!

I will post Ohio pictures sooner or later.

After finally coming to the end of this post I think it should have been entitled A Random Run through Marci's Morning Thoughts, scary, isn't it?

I'm going...I so need some God time!

Long over due praises...

A weekend with my Mom. Even in the chaos it's so nice to just be there with her.

Spending even a short time with Ryan, Carly, Jeff, Stacey, and the girls...seems like it's never enough time!

Knowing I have great people here in Illinois. Let's just say if it wasn't for them I'd be on my way back to Ohio about now. Although I've been gone 4 1/2 years and I do love it where we are now that feeling of homesickness hasn't been so strong in a long time. If I could just get my whole family to come to Illinois... (think about it people, there is plenty of room in this state!)

Coming home to my husband. I'm so grateful to know he's here waiting.

The laughter my little people bring even in the midst of chaos.

Teenage babysitters who let Mike and I go out after a good two months of no alone time...a true blessing!

Grown up time with Mike. We need to do it a lot more! Too bad my family is all so far away (cough, cough) and my for a fee sitters all have such busy schedules!

Coming home to a quiet house with both boys sleeping in their own beds at 9 pm. Lets just say this is a feat most babysitters have not been able to attain in the past several months. Tonight's babysitter, as Mike says, "deserves a cookie!".

Kids who are great travelers.

Veggie tales DVDs.

Visiting a Babies R Us. There is such joy there! If you have one close to you, go in and spend a few minutes stroking soft baby things every so often for me! The closest one to us is over an hour away and even though my babies are getting bigger I totally miss it!

Beautiful fall weather for traveling. If only I could have taken pictures while driving... Breathe easy, I totally put my camera out of reach so that I would not be tempted. This is the perfect time of year for picture taking (take note of this those of you who have asked me to do something along this line, find me a date, I'm ready to play!)

Seeing my old church start to come alive again.

Feeling hope where I this summer only felt darkness.

Memories of moments past.

Do not disturb does not apply here

Dax likes to have company with him in the bathroom. Especially if it's a more time extensive endeavor. The rest of us, not so much.

Mike and I try to avoid bathrooming while he's awake if we need privacy. Lily has taken to locking the door. Great idea, in theory. she was prepared for the banging and yelling at the door. She was not prepared for him to go find a screw driver and attempt to remove the door knob.

Good thing she was quick about it...

It's Good to Be Home

We are now safely in Ohio...

Traveling 6 hours with 3 children without another adult is quite an adventure! I'm becoming a pro. I must say I couldn't have asked for better kids today. Lily was a great help without too many complaints. We changed the seating arrangements and everyone seemed happy! The trees have just started to change, the sky was so blue, it was a beautiful drive! Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of a day such as this!

Best quote of the day came from Dax. "Mom, this drive sure is long". He asked me repeatedly why Nana lives so far away from us. He told me he doesn't like long drives, just short ones and it should only be a short one to Nana's. Amen!

Most amusing exchange of the day...

Ok, can't do one, but can do one for each child. Of course they all involve my brother, the infamous, Uncle Ryan. The kids haven't seen him for a few months and the boys seemed very resistant at first. Dax told me Uncle Ryan was mean and he didn't want to have dinner with him. Lily and he just picked up their love/hate relationship from where they left off. Uncle Ryan is a teddy bear. A teddy bear who masquerades as a big annoying, teaser. The kids, Mom, Ryan and I went to a local dive tonight. You know, the kind of place only the locals know about with all the ambiance of a truck stop but amazing food and good company. Ok, I regress, my stories...

Finn ~ For no reason at all he starts hurling pickles at Ryan's head and laughing hysterically. If he was older I probably would have been really ticked (or if we were in a nice establishment) Grand, he's already decided it's fun to throw food at your uncle. Should I be worried?

Dax ~ Uncle Ryan kept trying to steal Dax's goldfish crackers. He tried negotiating, to no avail. He offered french fries, onion rings, monkeys, cows, random strange items. Dax was cracking a slight smile but repeatedly said "I'm not sharing with you!" Ryan asked if he could just have the green one...just the green one. Dax popped it in his mouth and said "gggrrr I ate it" yeah, totally a lot funnier to have seen it in person. If you know Dax then you can at least imagine that gravely gruff voice saying it which makes it slightly more funny. If you don't know Dax move on, I'm getting bored with myself!

Lily ~ I walked out of the diner and see my daughter standing on the back of my van trying to retrieve her flip flop from the roof, yelling how cold she is and my brother standing there laughing with his arms in her pink, heart covered sweatshirt.

Can I just say, I love my brother. He's a great guy. I have friends who are younger than he is but seem a good 10 - 20 years older. The boy manages a bank, he's no slouch. When he turns in to Uncle Ryan, he seems to remind me a lot of this annoying little brother I once had who could drive me to the edge of sanity and shove me right over. At least now I can refrain from yelling "mooooommmm!! " Although Lily seems to have picked up right where I left off!

It's good to be home!

Yes, Mike, I will blog again...

He's been asking me this question for days. I have many pictures, many stories. when I have skipped a few days and have lots to say I get overwhelmed so i just don't blog for like two weeks. He needs something to read at lunch.

I should be studying harder for my small group time tonight, but instead, I'm stalking ebay. Well, ebay and craigslist. I have been for the last two weeks...that is where I've been when I should be blogging. Dax, my darling son wants to be a monarch butterfly for Halloween. Not any butterfly, but the Tom Arma butterfly.

He's three, he's a boy, should he want to be a fireman or something?? No, a butterfly, a $60 butterfly. And Finn, he has to be a caterpillar. This comes from the directive of Dax. Lily has been ordered to be a flower, she refuses, she will be a fashion Diva (God help us). Dax didn't take this news well I overheard a conversation that went something like this...

D "You're gonna be a flower, Lil"

L "um no"

D "I said yes! You would be a flower!"

L "yeah, not gonna happen, I'm not matching you guys anymore"

D "You will be a flower, or you will be NOTHING!!"

L trying not to laugh, "whatever, Dax"

At least the garage sale clothes she's gathering for her ensemble have only cost me $2.75.

I really don't like Halloween, but I like the cute costumes. I like having the kids dressed for the Harvest party at church. Yeah, I thought I had a couple of weeks, turns out there is a wedding the weekend before Halloween so the party is a week early...craziness!!!

I'm leaving town this weekend. I need a butterfly and a caterpillar, pronto. this shouldn't stress me out, but it does. If you have a Tom Arma butterfly costume or know how to make one, or maybe a caterpillar and you'd like to loan them to some little boys you might be my favorite person ever! Am I the only crazy mother who stresses about these things?

I should go. I just told my boys if they threw cereal all over the floor that it would makes bugs come and that would be bad. Dax told me he liked lady bugs, it would be fun if they came. I told him it would be spiders and other bugs that bite. I don't think it's a good sign that I hear giggling in the background and a three year old voice yelling, "Get it, Finny, you're a bug!! You're a bug!!"

Faces I love...

    ...that are not related to me!  We have been blessed with some great youth in our church.  We are lucky to see these smiling faces on a regular basis!  There are some bonus pictures of extra youthy youth, those belong to one of the big people, but they were so cute in some of the pictures I couldn't resist!

 

There are many other faces that I love, I just know these people's Mamas probably won't sue me for putting their lovely faces on here!  I've even seen a few of these faces stop by blogland! 

One Week Anniversary of Youth Doing windows...

I know there are youth out there waiting with baited breath to see what they looked like while washing the new church windows.  Some worked hard, some cleaned a window, maybe two.  I can't  say too much, I cleaned two windows and then took pictures...someone had to document this, right? 

I'm only posting faceless shots.  I'll do some faces of kids who's Mamas won't mind after I'm done here!