Praises...

My mom. Yesterday was her birthday. What a gift God gave our family and the world when he created her. I feel so blessed to have her in my life and the lives of my children.

Mom and Carly being here to help me through a crazy morning.

Doctors who you can trust to care for your most precious little people.

Sunshine. It's dreary cold May days that make us appreciate the warmth of the sunshine.

Safe travels.

Everyone being in bed by 8:30!

One three year old I know being binky free for 4 whole days!

Praises...

Friends from far away

Friends close by

Encouraging words

People who don't think you're crazy when you reveal how your mind works

Birthday boys who think you are something special. Remember the whole "turn off the sun" stage we went through? Now we've moved on, he is asking me to "stop the wind". I think it's amazing how little kids see their parents, like super heros with no capes!

Little boys who search a room of moms and smile when they see you and say "you are my mom!" followed by a hug...I hope he always looks at me like that! Today he told me I was his favorite 3 year old so I told him he was my favorite Mommy, he found that very funny.

Medical professionals that you connect with seems you realize how important they are when they are no longer accessible!

Sick babies who can still giggle when they are hurting

Babies who still try to pick up chicks when they are sick in the doctor's office

Safe journeys

Having mom and Carly here

Sunny days when rain is predicted

A husband who does the shopping=)

My family and every moment I have with them

This is for Nicole...

Over at Life in Progress, my real world friend, Nicole wrote about her encounter with friendly neighborhood squirrel. I can't help that all I could think about was this song that my dad used to play for us, so I'm sharing, please forgive me!

Dax is 3!!

Lily was our gift, Dax it seems was our miracle baby. They are 7 years apart. Between them we lost three babies, two miscarriages, and one ectopic pregnancy. We had moved a long way from home and were settling into our new world. We started getting information on international adoption. We of course, fell in love with the Steven Curtis Chapman packet (it had music and pictures!) and started filling out paperwork. We frequented precious.org and I often tried to explain to Lily why they could not just box up a pair of twin girls and express mail them to our front door. We decided China was where our next child would come from. Then one day Lily said, "Mom, I've been thinking about this adoption thing, and I've decided I'd really like one of the home made kind instead." I laughed! I told her we tried that route and it didn't seem to be very successful for us so maybe God had other plans for our family. She said she would pray about it. I told her to go right ahead. One month later, I was pregnant with Dax.

I had been pregnant before but now I was in a new place without the OB/Gyn that I loved and without my mom. Wow, God, this wasn't exactly the way I thought this should play out! I was terrified. Thanks to some girls I'd met who have become some of my very best friends I found a doctor quickly. Each day I got more and more sick, throwing up at every turn. Taking Lily to and from school was about the extent of my energy some days. Well, that and watching back to back episodes of Dawson's Creek. Going into a store with any sort of food made me sick, so Mike started doing all the shopping. Driving past restaurants made me sick so I tried to avoid it at all costs. I never felt like that with Lily or any of the other pregnancies. I think it was God's way of reassuring me everyday that he was still there, I was still pregnant. This lovely reminder lasted about 24 weeks. Then, I guess I started to relax and realize that this one was the miracle, this one just might make it!

Make it, he did! He was supposed to be born May 14, 2005. That would have been my grandfather's birthday. He was going to be named after my grandfather, it would be perfect. Yeah, we don't do perfect well! Induction started at 7 am and he decided to make his appearance at 1:17 am on the 15th after the c-section threat had been made. They handed him to me, I checked him out, then handed him back and threw up everywhere. It was by far the most fun labor and delivery I've experienced! But he was here, and we were so, so blessed.

I dreamt about him before he was born. I dreamt he was running around the room knocking over rocking chairs. I knew he'd be a mover. I think God knew he had to mentally prepare me for that! He had jaundice. It completely broke my heart when they kept sticking him and then locked him in the box. He is claustrophobic. I guess I don't know if he was then or that had something to do with it, but now there is nothing worse you can do than cage him. He always hated playpens. The nurses had to pad the sides of the incubator because at one day old he could crawl/wiggle/scoot himself off the edge of the platform and they were afraid he'd get his head caught. I heard them whispering about him they said something about that one being extremely active for a newborn. See, God gave me a little glimpse in ahead of time, he knew I liked to be mentally prepared!

7 pounds 9 ounces, 20 inches, the bluest blue eyes, and a full head of dark auburn hair, he was beautiful. He was all boy. He needed a name!

We started with 132 choices, seriously. I have a slight, ok severe name issue. We would edit the list with a survivor type game every so often. We'd battle it out. We had scoring systems and weighted votes so Lily had a say too. By the time his baby shower rolled around we had it narrowed down to 10 and we let our friends and family vote, not that we actually took their advice! In the hospital we were down to three. Ty, Dax, and Hudson. I have a brother named Dosh. To me when I saw Dax I immediately thought of my overachieving, athletic, friendliest in his class, confident, happy go lucky, positive little brother. It sort of stuck with me, and grew on people. But, that night after he was born, none of the names fit. I grabbed the original list, yeah, the 132. Mike said "No way! It has to be one of those three!" So Dax was it, because we'd never met a Dax, so this must be what a Dax looks like. All my kids have 4 names. The first is their own, even if it's connected to someone or something and the middle two are after people. His is Dax Henry Bender longhardtospelllastname. Henry was after my grandfather, great grandfather, and uncle and Bender was after my grandmother's family.

So, there he was, baby Dax. It took me a month or so before I started to really put he and the name together. I kept worrying I'd made a mistake. Now I can't imagine and better name for him!
He is full of life, laughter, exploration, motion, amusement, discovery, and wonder. I love this little boy more than I ever thought one could love a little boy (I was planning on all girls!)

He makes me laugh daily. I can't even imagine life without him!

We are so blessed and God's timing is perfect.

If I was more computer savvy I would have put these into a slide show in the post. I haven't yet figured out how to do such a thing and I could have gone on for days with the pictures, so enjoy the show!

6 months

Our first Christmas

We put this picture on a deck of playing cards for Uncle Ryan

This picture is the day the praises truly, memorably began, Here is the dog licking up the splashed and the beautiful little boy would made me laugh, cry, and see the blessings in each moment.
1st birthday
Chicago for Dosh's Graduation from Boot Camp


18 months

2nd birthday

First day of big boy Sunday School with his buddy, Max
2 1/2

He saw this picture and said "wow, I was handsome!" Think his confidence is ok?

Christmas 2007
3rd Birthday on his new climber

And of course a birthday post wouldn't be right without music! Dax has songs. The first one was his before he was ever born, when I knew he was a boy I started singing this one...

I know this one is a love song, but for me I just cried when I heard this version. I'd heard the song a million times, but I a week or two out of delivery and I just felt like the broken road did lead me straight here. Without all the heartbreak I couldn't have known this joy. Honestly it still makes me a bit misty thinking about those other little starts that broke my heart and pointed me to his little arms.


And finally, when I first heard this one I cried like a baby, the same way I did with I Hope You Dance for Lily.

The 10 days I was Missing

I thought about doing a 10 of Marci too, but I think I'll sort of sprinkle them in. If I tossed them at you all at once they might make your head hurt! You would probably just think I was a bit loony, or you'd simply be bored by my ramblings. So tonight, I bring you the first of My own 10 things you missed...

Sunday, April 20th I was blog hopping. Shocked, aren't you? Up in the corner of a random blog I noticed this link to a writing contest at an online Christian Magazine. I was oddly drawn to it. I clicked, I couldn't help myself. When I reached their sight I read the rules of the contest called "Her Life Reflected". The editor was looking for essays of 1000 words or less telling how your mother or a mother you know reflected Christ's love in their lives. The deadline for this contest was midnight Monday April 21st. The winner would be posted at the magazine on Mother's Day and would receive and small prize package. I thought, hmm, I have a mom I could write about, but there is no way I could do it that fast. It sat with me, in a strange, unsettling way.

The next morning was my mom's first day back to work. She was really on my mind as I was in the shower getting ready for an early appointment that day. I prayed and then somehow I just couldn't seem to stop the flood of words that were running down as fast as the water from the shower head. I finished showering, dried off and grabbed my journal. The sun was bright, Dax was playing happily in the back and Finn was still sleeping. I laid down on my bed, put the pen to the paper and the words just flowed. I knew mom would be about ready to start her school day and I think these words at my fingertips were, in a way, a prayer for her.

When Mike came home from work, I handed him the typed version of my essay and asked him to proof it. He was a bit surprised. You see, once upon a time I fancied myself a writer. I even thought that one day I would be known for the children's books I penned. Or maybe I would finally stop worrying about my mom reading me write about grown up topics and write those novels that had been swimming in my head for years. I have characters in my head. They used to run so rampant that I thought they'd just jump out one day. My Dad used to give me all kinds of grief about the paper I was wasting writing down all those names. I didn't know how to tell him that those names were of the characters that were roaming in my imagination. Maybe better I didn't, because I'm sure he might have thought I'd lost it, which may be what you're thinking right now! Ok, moving on! So, even though you probably can't tell by the amazing linguistic prose of my blogging, the point of this paragraph is that I once thought writing might be my life's passion. Mike was impressed I was actually going to submit something. He actually said he was proud of me. I was taken back by the fact that he felt that way.

At 11:00 pm I submitted my essay. But, it somehow managed to get held up in Outlook jail. I realized this a week ago after waiting patiently for my confirmation letter. In the end because Outlook sent it two weeks late I wrote an explanation letter to the girls at the magazine and let them know I by no means expected it to be considered for the contest. It was a computer glitch that kept it from getting in, but in all honesty I don't think the contest was my reason for writing. I think God was awakening something deep inside of me. He gave me the words to remind me how it felt to put that pen to the paper, maybe to help me release some of my thoughts and grief as well.

Tonight over at Christian Women Online the winner was announced and you may have guessed, it was not me. I am not even slightly upset about this. I read the winner's story, you can too http://www.christianwomenonline.net/HerLifeReflected.html. The story was nice, but the woman the story was about is the real story. After reading the winning essay I linked to her blog http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/. What an amazing story, what beautiful faith. Take your tissues, you'll need them! It was a blessing to find her blog.

As for my essay, I thought it was fitting that I share it with you on Mother's Day. So, good or bad it seems it would be a shame if no one ever laid eyes on it.

Mom, I'm sorry if it's hard to read, know I love you and am so grateful for all you are.

With Simple Grace

Three weeks and two days ago my father died. He was all of 61 years old. He was a man of laughter, music, and impatience. My father had no greater love in this world than my mother. She awoke from the cot beside his hospital bed in the room that once upon a time, before this cancer had claimed it, had been theirs. The hospice nurse at her feet softly whispered to her that the end was close; he was only moments from his last breath. Moments she used to tell her husband she loved him and that God loved him. She kissed him one last time and then, just as she had promised, she held his hand and walked him to the gates of Heaven. She knew she couldn’t go any further, but many who loved him would be waiting to take his hand. .

This could be a story of any loving wife and her ill husband in their last earthly moments, but to understand, you must go back and then you must go forward. You must know that the 37 years my parents were married were not all easy ones. My father was not a Christian. He did not take hold of Jesus until those final weeks, after the Cancer took most of his ability to communicate clearly. My mom had been a faithful and devoted servant of Jesus all her life. There were times these differences caused their outlooks on life to be so far apart. Yet even in the hardest times, she stood beside him, loved him, prayed that God would hold him, and that Dad would know His love.

Three weeks and three days ago, I turned 34 years old. For 34 years my mom has been the hands & feet of Jesus in my world. She has stood beside me with quiet strength through skinned knees, broken hearts, the births of all three of my children, the death of her mother, and of my father. In each of these moments, with simple grace, she prayed. Each week she made the Sunday journey to church with my brothers and me in tow. We were encouraged to be active in youth group, always challenged to ask questions, think for ourselves, seek God, question God, and love God. Religion was never forced; faith was always a piece of our lives. She always walked the walk. I have never questioned who my mother is or where her beliefs lie. They are obvious, out there for the world to see, never pushed on anyone or spoken with a judgmental air. Because of the example she set, her children have been blessed with a heart that seeks, loves, and knows Him. We take her into the world with us everyday. Even from hundreds of miles away she is still showing us how to be the body of Christ. Each day she inspires us to make a joyful noise, to dance, to sing, and to laugh. At the end of each day, praise, pray, and simply be still and know that He is God.

She carried these lessons beyond just her children, beyond just our home. She was not a meeting go’er, she was not a committee member, and she was not a social activist, at least not on a large scale. She was and is a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a teacher. Each day she carries her faith, her joy, and her passion into a kindergarten classroom in a public school. And there, once again she is the face of Jesus, his hands, touching little hearts with His love. She does this not by lecturing or by teaching things not approved by the public schools, but by loving, by encouraging, by praying for each of those children, by praying not only for them, but for their homes and their families. She knows each of these children is a gift from God, entrusted to her care.

Since my father’s death my mom has laughed, my Dad would be proud of her for that. She has yelled at God to bring him back to her. She has wept and let God hold her against his chest. She has continued, without words, to teach us that life goes on. Through the sadness, there is laughter. Through grey skies, sunlight shines. Through the snow, spring returns and flowers bloom.

Today, somewhere many, many miles away from here, a gentle, graceful woman of God returns to a bright, vital kindergarten classroom for the first time since walking her husband and friend to the gates. She is a little nervous, a bit hesitant, and slightly overwhelmed, but her spirit is calm, she knows God is holding her. Grasping on to this knowledge, allowing herself to feel His arms surrounding her, she steps in and smiles, knowing somewhere deep within her, that this is the day the Lord has made.

Does two minutes count as a power nap?

Praises...

Great friends and Thursday night even if Comcast sucks! =)

The knowledge that one day toilet paper will just stay put and I will be able to go potty without guests and questions.

The ability to laugh at it and realize that when that day comes a little piece of me will miss it.

Knowing old friends are out there keeping an eye on us!

Being able to say a little prayer for those old friends and know God is holding them close.

Naptime!

A great camera with which to capture some of life's little memories

Knowing my baby brothers are out there in this world even though I don't talk to them nearly enough.

Dinnering with friends.

Meandering around pet stores just to visit.. It's kind of like a free mini zoo!

The fact that my kids still find that fun!

Having babies, even when they scream with a sound that could make milk curdle...sounds like I need to go rescue my husband!

I Should Not Have Stayed Up So Late Last Night...

A glimpse into my morning...

Notice the wet hair? Yeah, I wondered where it came from...


He's responsible, you know he is, just look at him giggling sucking on the newborn pink & purple binky he found under something...

When he said, "hey Mom, guess where my doggie phone is?" I thought I'd better get out of bed...

Hey Sarah, What's in your toilet today? Cause mine is sporting a darling doggie phone. (Yeah, that is where the wet hair came from...do I even want to know?)

So, they made up, they are innocently watching Jack's Big Music Show Or so I thought. Look at them, you know they are planning something....

Hey, guys, I kind of needed that! (Will there be a day I can go to the bathroom by myself? And if so, when it comes, will it just seem so terribly boring that I will invite others in?)

Guess they needed to amplify the volume and all the perfect good TP was in their way...

Yeah, this looks convincing, doesn't it?

This is him 3 seconds later when I set him in the chair beside me...

He climbed, he pushed buttons, he giggled...

He shut down my computer!

And here he is 3 seconds later when I set him on the floor...

Convincing, isn't he?
Here is the song we composed and danced around to that had him giggling 5 seconds later...

Stop you whining,

Stop your moaning,

Stop your griping,

Stop your groaning.

Suck it up Doodlebug,

Suck it up right now!

Doodelly Doot Doot

Doodelly Doot (Repeat)

Suck it up Doodlebug,

Suck it up right now!

(Repeat, add claps and Doodle Doots at will)

Will they need therapy? Will I? I'm going to take a power nap now, God only knows what the afternoon will bring!

Back to my roots...

Praises...

Being able to go spend a couple hours immersed in baby things and good conversation.

Being able to call the above activity a service project.

Having great women to take care of my munchkins while I'm gone.

An almost three year old who feels the need to confess Today we made it home from church and he confided in me that he had to sit in time out today for climbing on tables, that is "the rules". I the asked if he was nice to his brother, he confessed that he had pushed him. I asked if he had to sit in time out for that. His response, "no, Addddisss not see me, I not get in twubble." At least he's honest.

Dogs who only run a short way when your 2 year old opens the slider so he can climb it....

Jacks Big Music show. An adorable little musical show on Noggin on demand that will occupy both my boys for a few moments. Mostly I'm thankful that it seems to be one of the few antidotes for Finn's high pitched screech. (believe me, that is priceless!) I couldn't find the rockin theme song, so here is one of their favorite little "videos" from the show.



A husband who can handle me ditching him right after dinner to go see the bigger children!

Goofy teenagers with great smiles and good thoughts. Where were the rest of you tonight?

Tonight's lesson being all about Finding Joy in the Journey. Seeing God's plan even in the midst of the worst days. It's all about perspective and handing it over to God. You know, he's bigger than we are, he can take it!

People out there looking out for me and my brood sending little emails my way.

Chai Tea

A husband who bought me chai tea and is encouraging most of the my experimenting to find just the right preparation.

Long chats and short chats with my family. Some days I just miss them and am grateful for that phone!

Sleeping babies! I'm blessed to have three pretty amazing little people in this house and at the end of each day, when they are finally asleep for a few moments in their own beds I like to make sure I remember how blessed we are!

It was almost title worthy, but yet not so much

Well, hmmm...

I was going to blog with many beautiful scenes from my day and all the praises that went with them, but my camera and computer don't seem to be cooperating.

I have these grand intentions of writing something brilliant to explain all that has been rattling around in my mind the last couple of weeks. I want to share with you how God has been pushing me with sign after sign to find my God given passion and surrender it and everything else to him. I want to tell you all the amazing pieces of this puzzle that have been falling around me.

Maybe I'm waiting because I don't know the answers and I don't want to tell you an unfinished story. Maybe I'm worried I won't ever know the answers no matter how many Godincedences and signs he sends. Maybe it's writers block. Seems as I blog hop there is lots of that going around. Maybe it's that I was ready to write it, ready to go and then two very close friends, one here, one back home lost their Dads in the past 10 days. Maybe them losing their dads in a way has made me stumble. Maybe it's easier for me to feel their pain than my own. Maybe I just don't have all the pieces of this puzzle yet and it's not time, even though I think it would be much more relevant now, or two weeks ago, than it will be in two weeks, but then, what do I know? Maybe in two weeks I'll feel different, know more. (did you just feel like I let you in my mind? You probably need a drink. Sorry about that!)

For now I'm going to go back to where I started, what I should have been doing for the last few weeks...

Praises...

Sunshine & warm weather

Health!

Excitement that baths and roller skates can bring little people. (Not roller skates in the bath)

People in stores understanding that the belt really isn't killing him as Dax screams "help, let me out, this is Huuuurrrttttiiiinnnnnngggg me!!" as we walked through Michael's today. I did get a few knowing winks.

having done the mom thing long enough to know that the knowing winks are just that, not judgement on your parenting skills..

Cashiers who do not make me produce my driver's license when I have a screaming toddler.

Others who get a good laugh overhearing my calm conversation with a screaming Dax that went something like this.

Dax "I need out!! I don't want to be buckled!!!"
Me "I only have two hands and two little guys, I have to have you buckled so you're safe."
Dax "I WANT TO LOOK AT CANDY!!"
Me "only good listeners who are calm and quiet in stores get to look at candy"
Dax"I AM A GOOD LISTENER! I'm being a good listener, mommy"
Me "well, that's a good start, but I don't think you're being very calm or quiet."
Dax "I AM BEEEEEINNNNNGGGGG QQQQUUUIEEETTTTT!!!!!!!!"
Me "Wow, I bet if we took a poll of all the other shoppers they might disagree with that statement."

Laughter,I heard laughter coming from the aisles around me. Hey, at least I wasn't unnerved, sarcasm is a Dr. Spock approved parenting technique, right?

Finn sat pleasantly in the back seat babbling and pointing at all the fun things to see.

Haircuts! Four months is entirely too long to go between!

Babysitters who refuse to take money. I'm running a tab....

Memories. The way a moment in time can bring back many moments in time. Finding myself standing in Our Little Savage's old garage with he door flung open into their old house, almost hearing the laughter that I remember.

Coming home to a message from Amy...kinda spooky!!

Long late night chats with old friends.

Three sleeping children.

Still being able to see that praising will always make life better!

Going to bed with a smile on my face with a husband that is sleeping peacefully!

Oh, how could I forget, American Idol! It wasn't all that exciting tonight, it's down to 4. I know who should win, we'll see what happens. Here was my favorite from tonight...